Jumbly.
I realized last night that the Fall winds are rolling in. I wish I was rolling, at a rave, in the summer heat, next to that person that makes me feel complete. I can’t have a bad fall or winter this year. Nothing like last year.
At this time last year my summer was over. I was grounded and starting my Senior year.. howww exciting right? Think again, haha, but I had Ian and everything was bueno. Then September came around and the shit hit the fan. After the beginning of that month the only way I can describe my life and my emotions is ‘a spiraling black abyss’. Honestly, straight to depression.
I can’t let that happen. I’m afraid I’ll get depressed again because you lose the fun of the summer, the love of the summer, once the leaves start dying and the wind starts blowing. I will find ways to make me happy. And it’s not R. Wow, wow, wow, I cannot stand being with him.. or rather I cannot stand lying next to him. It makes me so uncomfortable I can’t deal with it. I don’t wanna feel pressured and helpless. But I love his friendship and company at night, not all night. Just got to clear this all up.. it’s a big misunderstanding.
..Misunderstandings
My life, I just realized, is composed primarily of just that. I just need to be clear with my words and my meaning; that starts with my thoughts. I need to stop misunderstanding myself, others around me, and how both are percieved. Jeez, I love writing I figure so much out.
I also misunderstood why I pushed K away so long ago.. I thought it was just one big misunderstanding on his part, then realized it was a lot of me. But I didn’t understand exactly how I was acting until this morning with R. He is so infactuated with me, so smothering, so demanding.. I can’t help but be pushed away. It disgusts me. That must be how he felt. That’s totally my fault, but I was so engrossed with him and his essense because of the damn E that I got lost.. shotty excuse but my mind was more than clouded.
Anyways, I need to stop hanging out with R so much. I’m not staying there tonight, nope, no way. I’ll end up having another dream that drives me crazy. The only reason I’m even thinking about K anymore is because of R. If he wasn’t so undesirable to me I would stop comparing him to the kind relationship I want to find, the kind of person I want to kiss, the kind of person I want to cuddle with, have a family with, whatever, everthing. Just the kind of person I want to be with. K is that type of person, R is the opposite of that kind of person. I’m just suprised he doesn’t see it.. I’m being to passive.
But yeah, on to bigger and better things. Younger and brighter things. Lovely things. And Love.
I’ll find it soon, I can feel it in the forcast. I’m learning everything I need to really fix at the moment.
